There was a moment last month when I suddenly realized a friend had cut me off. The realization took me by surprise, and suddenly I felt sad, shocked, and most dominant of all, embarrassed. Even writing this now is embarrassing, but in a bid to write honestly, I can not think of a better place to start my reflection. I sulked a bit and called another friend to have her remind me I wasn’t the devil, but when she didn’t pick up, I took it as a sign that I was.
I turned to google to pacify myself, “What to do when a friend cuts you out of their life?” I wish I could share that I found a groundbreaking remedy to cure a broken heart. Instead, it sent me down a journey of honest self-reflection about this friendship and my relationships with other friends.
There was no dramatic falling out, maybe there was, but I wouldn’t classify it. Like all the best heartbreak stories, it starts with a guy. I would keep this back story brief for the sake of her privacy, as a few friends of mine have found my medium and would know exactly who I am talking about. My friend has just come out of a relationship rather abruptly. I thought I was being a supportive friend by listening and offering my suggestions, summarized as “Girl, you are going to have to move on, he’s not coming back.” Subtly at first, then months down the line with less patience. I now realize that I was being insensitive to the deeper emotional issues at play. A part of me is still defensive. How could I have known there were other issues? But I know through my words and not offering enough grace and patience, I hurt someone I love. For that, I would always be sorry. I communicated this to her, and she was kind and accepted the apology, but she was done. Although it hurts, I know I have to respect that.
This, however, got me thinking a lot about the type of friend I am, the type I aspire to be, and the friendships I want to be in.
The friend I am
I will ask my closest friends and come back with an edit.
The friend I aspire to be
… ride or die. At odd times, I show up to give a lift. I send money, no questions asked. I review CVs, Cover Letters, and Job Applications. Even though I still feel hurt, I try to forgive quickly and move on. I am quick to apologize. Hospitals, weddings, graduations, and birthday dinners are just some of the places I always show up at. I aspire to be more of this type of friend.
But, I am not always a present friend. I forget interview dates; I make a mean joke about a guy of interest (only one incident of this comes to mind); I take over the conversation; I talk too much; I don’t listen attentively; I don’t always follow through on commitments; I cancel dinner plans last minute; I get moody; I don’t text back or call back; I disappear. I aspire to be less of this type of friend.
The friendships I want to be in
Sometimes, I feel I am betraying myself, bending over backward to prove I am a good friend. If I am not useful, then you would not be friends with me. At the root, I think it’s making up for the things I lack. If I help review your work till 2 am, and I have to be up at 4 am, maybe you’ll forgive me if I don’t reply to your text for 2 days next week.
This makes me wonder how much of the things I do are just because I truly care or if it is love in a performative way, I do the things expected of me, and maybe in some ways it validates me as a good friend and so I get a good friend in return. I truly believe it’s the former, but I think it’s good that I check my motives from time to time. There is nothing wrong with expecting reciprocity, but it shouldn’t be the basis for my actions. I think.
Ultimately, I want to have and give honesty, empathy, reciprocity, accountability, kindness, joy and love.
A while back, I was going through a pretty rough time. My feelings about the situation were compounded because I felt so alone. I couldn’t understand how my nearest and dearest seemed so aloof. Reflecting now, I wasn’t living by the list above. First, I wasn’t honest about what I was going through. Second, I wasn’t empathetic to the fact that many of my friends were preoccupied with their own stuff. Even if they wanted to support me, I wasn’t giving them the chance to.
Finally, admittedly, I am not the best at making new friends I suck at it. I think this is why I might hold on to friendships that have run their course. I know friendships should be quality over quantity. But I can’t help but feel that people with many friends are that way because of how great they are, and my not having a lot of friends reflects how great I am not. Admitting this too is embarrassing.
